Dear Lefty and Righty

I am currently 21 weeks and 3 days pregnant with twins.  We found out we are pregnant with a boy and a girl!

Lefty is a girl and Righty is a boy.

I am jumping on the bandwagon of writing a letter to my kids.  I will write to them at around age 15.  

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Dear Lefty and Righty, (I know your names, I am just not certain if I will change them upon meeting you in a few months so I will stick with your in utero monikers)

I hope you are reading this letter on your 15^th birthdays.  I don’t know you in person yet, well I guess I kind of do, you are in utero as I type this.  I hope I am still here with you both, having a chance to know you both and what your personalities are like.  (Honestly, this breaks my heart to think what if I am not with you at this time.  Please rest assured, I will fight tooth and nail to be with you both.)  I am so in love with you both right now I am actually surprised I can feel this strong about two little people I haven’t met yet.  I am so excited to have you both.

So far, if your personalities will reflect what you were like in utero, Lefty, my daughter, is the wild child.  She has been moving and fluttering the longest.  I felt flutters from you at week 11 when your brother crowded over on your side.  Righty I didn’t feel until week 18, when you gave me a giant kick and later that week you somersaulted.  (Incredibly weird feeling, but very cool at that)  I feel you must be like your Daddy: quiet, but when you have something to say it’s important.  Your Daddy and I watched in the 20-week ultrasound, Lefty haul off and kick Righty.  Don’t beat up on your brother Lefty!  However, I hope this means you will kick any boy’s arse that double-crosses you in the future.  The ultra sound technician said that Lefty didn’t stop moving the whole time.  (That’s why your ultra sound photo at 20 weeks looks like a Mexican Wrestler, the technician couldn’t get a side shot as you moved so much.)  I hope you are a busy little girl with lots of spunk! 

As I don't really know you yet, here’s some little helpful hints I hope may help you as you enter adulthood:

SAVE YOUR MONEY.  Get a credit card but call them immediately and limit you credit limit to $500.  (I know you don't have to worry about this until you are 18, but lock it away in your head for later!)  You will not ever need $5,000 or $10,000 sitting on a credit card.  It will be far too tempting to buy a little thing here or there and the next thing you know you are maxed out every month.  If you don’t listen to this, then don’t be afraid to call your bank and consolidate your debts.  The bank’s interest is much lower then a credit card company.  When you buy a house, don’t be afraid to negotiate a cheaper mortgage rate.  Create a budget and stick to it.  (God, I hope you both like math!  It will be a great asset!)

Learn to cook.  Start now.  Don’t rely on someone else to do it for you.  Learn a few dishes and do them well, the rest will come in time.  Learn to make a pot of chilli and freeze it, you can always have a healthy, home cooked meal on hand.  Have treats every now and then, just don’t live on fast food..  As the French say “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”  Exercise a few times a week.  (Find something you love, don’t do an exercise because your friends do it.  If you hate it, you won’t want to do it.)  Eventually it will catch up to you, trust me!  Learn to clean up and tidy the house at least once a week.  Vacuum, clean your toilets and shower stalls.  Wash dishes immediately after you use them and make your bed when you get up.  That way it’s not hanging over your head when you return for the evening.  Put things away as you use them, saves time in the long run.  Fold your laundry as it comes out of the dryer.  If you save folding for a later date, it won’t happen.  Trust me.  Your Dad and I spent the first five years living together picking clean laundry out of a pile on the floor. 

Bathe daily.  If you sweat after you shower or bathe, bathe again.  And brush your teeth.  At least three times a day.  And floss.  Nice teeth, good breath and good hygiene in general go a long way, especially with a perspective partner.  Don’t smoke.  Nothing is more unattractive then someone with a phlegmy cough, it’s so gross.  And expensive.

Love yourselves.  Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the positives in your life.  Don’t talk down to yourself.  Believe in yourself.  You can do anything you put your mind to.  Stay true to yourself.  Don’t be someone you are not.  You can only be you.  As you both grow up, I hope you both become strong individuals.  Don’t let people treat you like a door mat.  And don’t treat others as door mats either.  Stand up for what you believe in.  Stand up for yourself and stand up for others.  Don’t let that be a regret in life that you should have helped someone.  Help them. 

When you pick a life partner, pick someone who loves you for you, someone who loves you at your worst and doesn’t want to change you.  Pick a partner to be a partner with, not someone to stand in front of or behind.  Marry your best friend.  Do NOT put up with abuse, they will NOT change, you CAN'T change them.  Don’t let people be mean to you, you are worth so much more.  As I said before, don’t be a doormat, but don’t treat your partner like one either.  Help your partner, and they will help you.  Stand up for your partner, and they will stand up for you.  Love your partner unconditionally, and they will love you too.  Don’t talk down to them.  Don’t swear at each other.  Don’t call each other names.  But communicate.  Don’t let small things build up and boil over.  Say I am Sorry, and mean it.  Talk things out ahead of time.  Marriage can be summed up: love, communication, compromise, and a little bit of work.  It shouldn’t be hard work, if it is, something needs to be addressed.

When you go to bed at night count your blessings.  Say your prayers.  Work hard, but leave time for play.  Enjoy your family, your friends, your pets.  Be friends with each other.  Don't let months go by without talking to one another.  You are the only siblings you have.  Always have a dog and or a cat.  Do yoga.  Swim.  Go camping.  Go fishing.  Jump in the puddles!  Don’t wait for your life to begin, you have the control over your destiny, make a bucket list, work towards your goals.  When you decide to go to school, or pick a career: do something you LOVE, not just something you are good at.  Do a co-op before hand to see if you really like the job.  Don’t pick something just because it’s easy, pick something that you will wake up in 30 years time, and say, I LOVE what I do.  Help others if you can, it may be the most rewarding of your decisions. 

Take the road less traveled.  Just wear your seat belt and bring snacks.  And a jacket.  And socks.  And don’t forget your camera!  (You may want to bring a knapsack for everything. ALWAYS BE PREPARED!!!  I was not a girl guide, but this has long been my motto)

 

As Robert Frost’s beautiful poem says,

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Man, I hope I get to do those things with you.  I will be proud of you both no matter what.  I am madly, deeply, hopelessly, in love with you both.  I will be madly, deeply, hopelessly in love with you FOREVER.  Every time you move, I get excited knowing you are both on your way.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you both, and I will do everything in my power to do what I can to make sure you know you are loved and help you have fun along the way.

Love Mommy (aka the lady who’s bladder you keep kicking.)

Tummy Tuesday ... a day late and a buck short.

How far along?: 14 weeks and 3 days (in my 15^th week is what I keep telling everyone)

Size of the baby?: 4.5 inches – the size of an Iphone 4

Sleep?: I get about 6.5 hours a night, I end up waking up having to go to the bathroom like crazy and of course, I can’t fall back asleep when I wake up at 5am.  Bah.  I want an extra two hours of sleep a night!!!

Best moment this week?:  When my husband FINALLY cleared out the room that will become the nursery, now we can focus on painting!!!

Miss anything?: Prosciutto

Movement?: Not this week, they are back to being side by side so I am not as crammed in.

Food Cravings?: Burger King.  (Don’t judge, that’s what the babies want.)

Morning Sickness?:  Not so much now that I am in my second trimester.  If I don’t eat on time I still get a few waves of nausea, but not actually sick.

Gender?: Don’t know yet, hopefully week 18 we will!

Bed Rest?: Not yet.

Limitations?: Feeling frustrated I can’t lift too much.  I am having a huge sciatic nerve flare up.  Apparently, this is common in the second trimester, and supposedly goes away later in the pregnancy.  I bent over to pick up some laundry and my butt seized up with a weird ache.  I sat for a while on the floor and then couldn’t use my left leg.  Did some yoga and had a sharp stabbing pain shoot down my leg.  Oh joy.

Pregnancy Symptoms?: Other then feeling huge and the sciatic nerve, I am doing alright.

Wedding Rings?: Still on, maybe I can get a few more weeks out of them.

Looking forward to?:  Painting the nursery and setting things up.

Weight Gain?: 15 pounds overall.  This is right on par with my BMI and having twins, so I am not too worried.  I am hoping by delivery day to be up 36 to 40 pounds (babies included in that weight) as it is really important in twins that I gain throughout so they can be of an optimum birth weight.  I know a baby can survive at 2 pounds, but they will be far better off if I can aim for 5 to 6 pounds each.)  I hate when women say they were at their heaviest the day the delivered.  You have a baby inside you!!!  You also have placenta and 1.5 times more blood then normal, this will eventually leave your body.  Bah.  Frustrates me.

Oh another thing that frustrates me is the stupid shit people have said to me and my husband:

1.       Everybody and their brother feel the need to point out how tired I will be when the babies come.  Thanks.  I know that.

2.       Everybody and their brother also feel the need to share every horror story possible about their birthing experience, or a friend or relative, how the mother of the baby almost died etc.  Thanks.  I am already the biggest worry wart as it is.

3.       I was asked by an acquaintance, who clearly must have thought he was being funny, if the babies were my husband’s.  OF COURSE THEY ARE.  Who’s else would they be?!?!?!

4.       I was talking to another acquaintance, and she was telling me of her struggles to get pregnant, to which another male acquaintance said to her “She (pointing to me) made two of them, what’s wrong with you?” He then turned to me and said, “You’re having two, you should give her one.”  Seriously!?!?!  I am most angry at myself because in situations like that I am so dumbfounded, I am like did I just hear that correctly?  I miss any opportunity for a witty comeback or an opportunity to tell the person to fuck off.  The poor girl just giggled nervously/politely.  I felt so bad for her.  Infertility is not a joke, why do people feel the need to make fun of someone for it?  Both of my sisters struggle with infertility, I know I am very blessed.  Bah.  Stupid idiot.  In addition, just because I am having two doesn’t mean I am going to give one away.

5.       It pisses me off when people think it’s ok to ask if “it was planned.”  I almost was expecting that question from older people who might not realize that question now a day is not appropriate, but two young women asked me, they are in their early twenties.  I feel it’s such an invasive question like asking me how much do I make?  Or what kind of sex positions we used? And they were acquaintances who asked.  (For the record, YES they were planned, we tried for two months.)

6.       I also had my first weird comments in regards to my weight loss.  I have read other bloggers mentioning that they have had friends or acquaintances seemingly have an issue with their weight loss.  I had an acquaintance, who is also struggling with her weight say to me “Well now you don’t have to eat healthy.”  I didn’t think much of that other then, that’s kind of dumb.  Then she said to me, “You don’t look pregnant, you just look like you are gaining weight in your midsection.”  (Funny, cause everyone else is pointing out how round and pregnant my giant belly is looking)  She then said “Oh is this why you were trying to lose weight?”  To which I said “Yes, I had talked to my doctor about family planning and he said it was easier to get pregnant at a healthy weight and it was healthier in the long run.”  Her reply was “I got pregnant at this weight.”  She was the one who asked me, I didn’t think I said anything bad.  (I am not an expert, but I would say she is bordering morbidly obese.)  Again, I thought that was a little weird, but then I started to think back to other comments she has said to me in the past about my weight loss and making comments about the food I am eating.  If I refused a baked good, there was always a comment of “You have to be kidding me, it’s just one.”  It’s more the tone that seems to be the issue.  Maybe I am being overly sensitive but it’s weird.  I am just going to avoid her from now on.

7.       When people who annoy you (see #6) ask you EVERYTIME they see you “OMG, AREN’T YOU EXCITED!!!”  Of course I am excited.  However, if you annoy me, there is a good chance I don’t want to you about my happy time, so I just brush you off.  After #6 asked me that about five times in a row, she finally said to me “You don’t seem that excited.” I replied “I am excited, I am just not talking about it every waking second.”

8.       I have had my first “You look big” comment.  Of course I do.  I have two people growing inside me.  Let’s get real people, I am going to be big, no sense stating the obvious.

9.       My husband had a funny statement made to him yesterday by a co-worker.  She said to him.  “I hear you’re having twins.”  He replied “Yup.” To which she said, “Well, I guess your not shooting blanks.”  He said he just kind of stood there and he asked me “What do you say to that?  …Thanks?”  Lol.  I am glad I am not the only one having weird stuff said to me.

Tummy Tuesday

So I am back.  I am sorry I have been pretty much AWOL for the last few months.  But I have exciting news!  I am pregnant!  With Twins!  Yes, two lil’ peanuts!  My husband and I tried for two months and bam!  Pregnant.  We are very blessed.  I know it doesn’t come that easy sometimes for people.  I have twins in my family.  My Dad had two sets of twin uncles on his maternal side and a set of twin cousins also on his maternal side.  I kept saying to my husband, “I feel like there are two in there.”  I don’t know how I knew that, I have no prior experience to base that feeling off of. 

I am 13 weeks this week!

I am borrowing Tummy Tuesday from Lora at http://www.raisingsteppesisters.com/2013/07/tummy-tuesday-7.html.  Sorry there is no photo.  I was super late today and running behind.

Sleep? No  problems yet.  Unless you call falling asleep every night on the couch as soon as I am done eating dinner. 

Best moment this week? Telling all of our friends and extended family. 

Miss anything?  Subs.  (Can’t have sandwich meat for risk of lysteria.)  And medium rare steaks.  Only well done cooked meat for this lady and her bambinos. 

Movement? The babies were originally side-by-side.  Hence why we have been calling them Lefty and Righty.  Then last week, when we went for hear the heartbeats again; they were on top of each other on the left side.  Righty is lying on top of Lefty.  This makes sitting a bit awkward, as they are crammed on the left side.  (I know, I know, it’s just going to get worse.)  However, even though I am at 13 weeks, I can feel them moving, more specifically the one on the bottom (Lefty) as Lefty is being crammed into the corner.  It’s pretty crazy feeling it.

Size of the baby? 3 inches, the size of a peach

Food cravings? French fries, Baby Ruths and Hot fudge sundaes.  These kids know how to party.

Gender? Don’t know yet.

Bed rest? Not yet, I am warned that it can be more common now that we are having twins.

Limitations? I am starting to get energy back, so other then no heavy lifting, not really.  Oh and no hockey.  I had to fake a wrist injury as soon as I found out I was pregnant so I could avoid playing and get my money back.

Wedding rings? Still on.  When I had lost weight, my fingers ended up with extra room, maybe another month or two I will be singing a different tunes. 

Looking forward to?  Getting the nursery set up.  And of course, MEET THEM!!!

I can't promise I will be posting regularly, I am still pretty tired and haven't had much energy to do anything.  But I read everyone's blogs still!  I swear, I just have not had time to sit down and actually write something!

When People Dump on Mother's for Working Out or Taking Time for Themselves

I am writing this in reference to a post that one of my favourite bloggers posted the other day.  This particular blogger is a healthy living blogger that I am sure many people are familiar with; she had two children and lost sixty pounds.  I know people take a risk when they post about their lives.  Not everyone is going to agree with what they have to say.  I am just surprised by the reaction that some readers have and how angry and vehemently they come swinging at the blogger.  The comments in particular I am referring to are the ones where she is attacked for making time for working out and “abandoning” her children while she does so.  People keep slamming her for getting up early in the morning to workout, before her children wake up.  They used to slam her for making time to workout before she picked them up from daycare before she made the switch to morning workouts.  I guess my concern is there are many different way to parent.  There is no “right way” to parent.  Every child is different, every family is different.  If a child is well taken care of, well fed, loved and in the care of a trustworthy adult, I don’t really see the child as being abandoned. 

I know there is the argument that this blogger works and makes time for herself to workout.  She now works out in the morning, before the kids get up.  I saw comments where the “haters” were saying “they were sure the kids were awake and alone in the house.”  Really?!?!  How can you be sure of that?    A 3 year old and a 1.5 year old alone in a house?  They are with their Dad.  When the blogger gets home from the gym they are still sleeping and sometimes she exercises outside.  With a baby monitor.  I didn’t realize it was a crime to step outside your house into your own yard while your kids were sleeping.  If the parent is on the front step and have a baby monitor, isn’t this acceptable?  My neighbours do it; I think they look like great parents.  Their kids have yet to have any major accidents or lose a limb.   

One particular comment seemed to strike a chord with me and I have thought about it the last few days.  So much so, the comment itself more or less inspired this rant of mine.  The person made a comment to the blogger she is a stay at home mom and that she doesn’t get any “Me Time” that all of her “Me Time” she spends with her kids, because she wants to spend it with her kids.  (There are always many comments made to this blogger along these lines) I grew up with a stay at home Mom.  My Mom is amazing.  She definitely made us the centre of her life.  She loved spending time with us.  She still made a little bit of time just for her during the day.  And as children we never felt like we got the short end of the stick when she did so.  I remember her setting us up with some toys in the living room and my Dad watched TV as we played, my Mom would go off to the bedroom to read.  We were allowed to go see her; it wasn’t like she locked the door or anything.  I know my Dad enjoyed seeing us play, he looked forward to seeing us after he came home from work.  I would never, ever hold it against my Mom for taking a half hour or an hour to read, for herself.  My sisters and I grew up well adjusted, we aren’t in therapy because my Mom didn’t spend all 24 hours a day falling all over us, only 23 hours instead.  I guess I am just trying to say we weren’t deprived because Mom took a bit of time for herself.  There is no “right way” to parent. 

While I am on my rant, maybe we were very fortunate as kids: my Dad liked to spend time with us!  He worked outside of the house and my Mom stayed in.  He missed us while he was at work.  My Mom didn’t have to be the only parent.  I am also surprised by comments made to the blogger as if all of the parenting falls on her head.  My parents worked as a team.  While my Mom stayed home with us, I always felt it was because three kids in daycare would cost more then her pay cheque if she worked, I never felt like she stayed home because she was “the woman.”  My parents are both in their sixties now, from a previous generation; I am just surprised by some of the comments made by this generation, that it’s the woman’s job.  My parents felt it was important for us kids to have a relationship with BOTH parents.  I always felt I grew up with great role models, that even though we had a stereotypical household, it wasn’t made to feel that my Mom was solely responsible for us.  Does that make sense?  I always felt like my parents worked as a team.

I always get this feeling that these comments to the blogger come with such anger from the commenters.  Like they hate her for taking time for herself.  I wonder if it’s jealousy?  Frustration with their own lives or body image?  Jealous the blogger lost the weight that they struggle to do?  Jealous the blogger is juggling to try and make it all work?  I don’t know.  I just can’t figure out why they call her out on it all of the time.  They call her out for working out.  When I have children, I want to be a healthy example for them.  I want to be healthy for them.  I want to be healthy so I can stay on this planet as long as possible to spend time with them.  I wonder if they commenters ever think along those lines.  It’s like they get so miffed and it’s said with such an air, like they are better then her. 

I think being a Mom must be the hardest job in the world.  I watch friends with kids and the “advice” they get from other parents, or people who don’t have kids.  Maybe people could stop and say “You’re doing a good job.” Instead of being so quick to cut people down.  You may not choose to raise your kids in a certain way but if your friend’s child is happy, fed and loved, and not in any weird danger, just because it’s not your way doesn’t mean it’s wrong.  I will finish with the clichéd “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Weigh In Wednesday

Following the blog link up from Erin and Alex!

Last Weigh In: April 17, 2013 – 178 pounds.

Today’s Weight:176.  (So much for my 20 pounds before July 1^st, I pretty much wasted all of April)

Starting Weight: September 19th, 2011 - 205 pounds. Down overall 29 pounds.

Lowest weight to date: March 2013 173.5 - was down 31.5 pounds

Operation Baby Making Status (OBM): Not preggers yet. 

I am thinking about breaking up with my scale.  I hate this bitch.  She hangs over my head and mocks me all the damned time.  Fucking whore.

Nothing really hasn’t moved.  I have played around in the 170’s since October.  I am so sick of it.  I am debating breaking up for the month of May.  Do a weigh in on May 1^st and a weigh in on May 31^st.  I am also planning on giving up junk food for the whole month of May like I did for Lent.  I was successful in dropping 5 pounds (I have since gained back 1 sometimes 3 pounds).

With that being said, I will still blog weight loss stuggle stuff.

Today’s bitch fest is brought to you by Aunt Flo and the Cramps.  Fuck my uterus is angry today.  Not fun. 

May also starts up my summer hockey.  I am excited for that.  I have to figure out a workout schedule that I am not always burnt out from.  Daily workouts won’t work for me anymore, I am ridiculously tired lately.  I am thinking two concrete rest days a weeks, possibly three.  And bust my ass for the workouts.  I am also thinking a small abs challenge for every day of the month.  I am thinking the Fab Abs challenge from February.  Not a strenuous workout so hopefully I wont be burnt out, but a concentrated quick strength workout for every day, including my rest days.  

NSV: Sweatshirt is a woman's size small!!!  Buffalo jeans I picked up for $9.99!

Weigh In Wednesday

Following the blog link up from Erin and Alex!

Last Weigh In: April 10, 2013 – 178 pounds.

Today’s Weight:178.  Fuck off and stay fucked off.

Starting Weight: September 19th, 2011 - 205 pounds. Down overall 27 pounds.


Lowest weight to date: March 2013 173.5 - was down 31.5 pounds

Operation Baby Making Status (OBM): Not preggers yet.  Took a test, it was negative.

I declared Canada Day Countdown two weeks ago.  I was going to lose 20 pounds by July 1^st.  In two weeks, I have gained 2 pounds.  Fucking awesome!  (I say sarcastically.)  I am back to pooping, so I can’t blame the IBS.  It has been 3 months and 11 days since I stopped the Birth Control Pill (BCP).  Anything I read states it can take up to 6 months or longer for your body to regulate and go back to normal after stopping the BCP.  The bloating has been the hardest thing for me to deal with as my pants are super tight one day, and then normal the next.  I actually convinced myself that I was pregnant at one point as my bloated belly looked like a pregnant belly, or so I thought (or wishful thinking).  I even wasted money on a pregnancy test, which was negative.

I am negative Nancy today:

I am sick and tired of counting calories.

I am sick and tired of coming in perfect with my calories for up to and including my dinner calories, then turning into a ravenous animal AFTER dinner and eating everything in sight.

I am sick and tired of making plans to work out twice in one day and barely making the first workout.

I am sick and tired of waking up early to get in my first workout; my body says it wants sleep.

I am sick and tired of trying to “plan” a workout schedule of two workouts a day, everyday, for a whole month with no rest days; and then when I break down and take a rest day, I take three. 

I am sick and tired of being tired all of the time.

I am sick and tired of this “Weight loss journey” a year and a half later and I hit the 30 pounds lost, and bounce around it. 

I am sick and tired of worrying about what I put in my mouth.  (That’s what she said)

I am sick and tired of feeling guilty for not making the healthiest of choices.

I am sick and tired of wondering, “Why can’t I be skinny?” when I know it’s me and my bad choices.

I am sick and tired of thinking about Ruffles Sour Cream and Onion Chips all of the time.

I am sick and tired of myself and my lack of will power.

I am sick and tired of myself and my “Oh, I am going to have a cheat meal” and it becomes a cheat WEEK or MONTH.

I am sick and tired of hearing people say “it’s a lifestyle change”, because at a year and half later, while I have made some improvements, I feel I still struggle daily.  I was hoping it would get easier as I went along and I feel like it’s harder now. 

I am sick and tired of my bitching and complaining.

I am sick and tired of getting down on myself.

I am sick and tired of my fucked up scale that adds 2.5 pounds compared to the scale at the gym, and then me wondering if it’s adding more now.

I am sick and tired of buying new scales as one adds ten pounds, one shorts it by two pounds and one jumps up an extra fifteen if you don’t step gently enough, and now my current scale may add 2.5 pounds.

I am sick and tired of being bloated.

I am sick and tired of stepping on the scale, convinced it’s going to be less and it being more.

I am sick and tired of the anger I have at myself for leaving trying to get pregnant at age 31; when every study shows how much harder it is to get pregnant in your thirties.

I am sick and tired of the fear that when I get pregnant I will gain 70 pounds and have to do this journey ALL OVER AGAIN.  (I want a baby more then this fear though, obviously.)  It’s just the thought of doing this again makes me want to go hide under my bed.

Now that venting is out.  I feel a bit better.  I woke up this morning feeling really down.  I was just having a bad day is all.  It was nice to vent that all out, it was very cathartic.

Now I have to remember some good things:

I am excited that I have gone form a size 18 pant to a size 12 sometimes a 10.

I am excited that I have gone from a XL or a XXL top to a medium and sometimes a small.

I am excited when I look at a picture and think, wow, I don’t look so bad.  (I just wish I could see that when I look in a mirror, the mirror still shows me the 205 pound girl, not the 175ish pound girl)

I am excited when I receive a compliment, or someone asks me how much I lost.

I am excited that this year I bought my first pair of regular sizes dressy knee high boots that fitted my calves.  I always had to buy plus sized boots to fit my calves. 

That’s all I got…. Bah. 

Back on the horse yet again!....

Here's two pics of some healthy turkey burgers and low cal jello.  Trying to keep my meals interesting.

 

Fuck Off and Stay Fucked Off

Recently my husband and I were at one of my family functions.  I offered my husband a plate of fruit; I didn’t hear him when he said no.  I asked him again, thinking he hadn’t heard me.  He responded, slightly exasperated, “I said No”.  To which I replied, rather sarcastically “Easy there, I didn’t hear you.”

Unbeknownst to me, a family member was watching.  I can’t stand this family member on a good day.  She said “OOOohhhh tempers are flying at that end of the table.”  I kept my mouth shut and shot her the dirtiest look.  I don’t think it’s any of her business to comment on my husband’s and my conversation.  For the record, I didn’t think tempers were flying at all.  We weren’t screaming at each other, we were just slightly, and I mean slightly, annoyed with each other.  I think that is perfectly NORMAL with spouses. 

My beef with this is her need to comment on EVERYTHING; RUDE, NASTY NEGATIVE COMMENTS.  And not just to me, to everyone around her.  Things that DO NOT PERTAIN TO HER.  In fact, she was the reason I switched blogs, as she snooped until she found out about my original blog.  I don’t talk about my life around her, as SHE HAS A COMMENT FOR EVERYTHING.   I am friends with her on Facebook, I would love to delete her but she would cause a family war over it.  I have all of my pictures and statuses protected from her seeing, she COMMENTS ON EVERYTHING.  Back handed compliments are her specialty.  If you don't have anything nice to say, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!!!  Recently, Facebook did an upgrade to their Iphone apps, I was not aware that this changed my status and picture settings.  Within a day of this upgrade, I had 6, SIX comments on my stuff from her.  I couldn’t figure out how she was able to see everything.  We call her the Queen of the Refresh Button.  Who has time to stalk everyone’s pages, daily, to find out when settings have been changed????

I feel that every time I am in this person’s presence, she is judging me.  She judges everyone.  Most of her conversations are all about how “awful” so and so is.  I think she is very unhappy with herself.  She also has the bad habit of telling lies and trying to drive wedges between other family members.  The funny thing is, everyone knows what she is like so typically we talk it out with the person she is trying to cause a fight with.  If she had caught me on the wrong day I may have opened my mouth and said something that was VERY TRUE, but I didn’t think needed to be brought up at a family function and ruin everyone’s good time.  It’s funny that I am the only one who worries about ruining everyone’s good time, but she does not.  What I really wanted to say was PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN MARRIAGE.  DO NOT COMMENT ON MINE.  For the record, as I am being catty and venting here in the safety of my own blog: She has caught her husband in the middle of an affair.  She chooses to work it out, which that’s fine.  No marriage is perfect.  But when something clearly isn’t working in yours, do NOT make a mountain out of a mole hill in my marriage, when my husband and I have the slightest of words with each other, she shouldn’t make ANY comment on it.

STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE.  This would be a prime example of why I will have NOTHING to do with you.  STOP STICKING YOUR NOSE INTO OTHER PEOPLE’s BUSINESS.

These are things I would say if she wasn’t family and my Mom wasn’t terrified it would “rip the family apart”.  Which is funny as that means it gives the obnoxious family member the opportunity to keep on bullying everyone else. 

Fuck off and stay fucked off.

Weigh In Wednesday

Following the blog link up from Erin and Alex!

Last Weigh In: April 3, 2013 – 176 pounds.

Today’s Weight:178.

Starting Weight: September 19th, 2011 - 205 pounds. Down overall 27 pounds.

Operation Baby Making Status (OBM): Not preggers yet. But we have been like bunnies lately ;)

I like to talk about poop.  Today’s Weigh In Wednesday is brought to you by IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and how it’s a pain in my ass.  (Sorry if it's too much information, but it actually I think needs to be mentioned this week!)

I have not pooped since Saturday.  That is four days.  Well, technically I pooped today but it was tiny and not really worth noting.  I am distended.  (I enjoy that word better the bloated, maybe as every fucking time I write a blog entry I am mentioning bloat)  It looks like I have gained twenty pounds but really its two pounds, I am assuming its poop waiting to come out.  I feel as I am quite literally full of shit… however, I have no cramping … yet.   Last night I hate a huge handful of prunes (I actually truly love prunes), oatmeal and I drank my weight in water.  (I always drink about 16 servings of water in a day, yesterday I was up to 22 I believe.) I think that’s why I pooped a bit today.  For breakfast this morning, I had Danone Probiotic yogurt to get things moving. 

When I was first diagnosed with IBS I had just turned 25.  (If you aren't familiar with it, it's not life threatening or anything, jut a major inconvenience.) The first few years of my IBS, I had diarrhea, a lot.  Like every day.  It was not pleasant.  Then in the last year or so, I have had little to no diarrhea flare-ups, now I am experiencing constipation more then anything.  But it’s definitely spread out more then my diarrhea days.  I just would eat a few apples and have some oatmeal and the next day, no problemo.  The last few days are definitely out of the norm for me.  I would hazard a guess it was all of the rich Chinese Food I gorged on last Saturday.

It’s frustrating that I am really good all week, and have one huge cheat meal and I am up two pounds.  I realize poop is involved in this, but still.  So much for my losing weight this week.

Killer Buns and Thighs  will be the death of me.  I do however feel I can see a difference in my thighs and rump already.  And my husband is still doing the Shred with me.  He says he can't see an improvement in himself but I can see it in him.  He looks a bit more toned and his stamina in the workout has definitely improved!  Yay for my workout buddy!

Sex, Brownies, Chinese Food Buffet, C25K and Girls

This weekend did not bode well for my countdown to Canada Day weight loss goal.

Friday I was good.  I did my “Killer” Thighs and Buns.  I came in near perfect for calories.  Friday evening I had a “date” night with my hubby.  Just a “sexy” stay in date night.  If you catch my drift.  Operation Baby Making (OBM) has taken up during April.  February we both had bad colds and we were pretty much celibate.  We decided April we would start up OBM.  Here is the thing: I have mentioned before about stopping the pill has upped my horny factor about 10x.  I know I had read the Birth Control Pill (BCP) could hinder one’s sex drive, however, while I was on the BCP, I didn’t really think it was hindering me.  But then I stopped the pill.  Now, every time I look at my husband I want to jump him.  The not having sex during a cold was more his decision as 1. He thought it was mean to have sex with me while I couldn’t breath.  Fair enough, even though I just about begged him.  (Truth be told, I think he might have been grossed out by my snottiness and my talking like a Dude, but he was sweet and pretended that wasn’t it.)  Then he caught my cold and he was very much a man and didn’t move off the couch for two weeks.  Except to go to work.  Anyways.  Back to my overactive sex drive…  Going off the BCP probably had most of the effect of upping my sex drive.  No doubt.  But I am also a bit more confident now that I have shed 30 pounds.  My husband has NEVER made me feel bad about my weight; he has always found me attractive.  But, definitely my own head and lack of self confidence were detrimental on their own.  30-pounds (still a work in progress) but I feel rather, if I dare say, sexy.   I watch my reflection when I walk pass windows and mirrors.  I no longer “scurry” in a shy, mousey manner; I almost strut, for lack of a better term.  This also makes me more carefree in the bedroom, I am not worrying about my rolls as much, which allows me to enjoy everything more… ;)

Friday evening I made these brownies courtesy of the The Londoner.  According to My Fitness Pal, mine came in at 80 calories a piece.  So of course I had to top them with low fat whipped cream.  100 calories!  These are really good and tasty for a low cal chocolaty treat!

Saturday I knew was going to be tough.  We had plans to go to dinner with our friends to a Chinese Food Buffet.  I LOVE Chinese Food.  I knew I was not going to stay within my calorie count.  So I tried my best to be as healthy as possible during the day.  I did my “Killer” and I washed all the floors and vacuumed the whole house.  During the day, my calories were really good.  Then dinner happened.  And Fatty Jes took over.  I knew she would.  I kinda let her do her thing.  I gorged.  However, I can say I had two plates of food versus the three or four I would normally have had.  Plus, I had a big plate of dessert.  So while I wasn’t as Fatty Jes as I normally was, she still came out for a while to party.  (She may have called me a pussy when I had to pack it in; I was filled right up to my throat with food.)  I fear to estimate how many calories I ate, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was close to 4000.  I shudder to think if they were even over that number.  (I am still super bloated today.  At least I am blaming the food as it had better not be my time of the month yet, I just finished that bad boy.)

Sunday I was feeling a little crazy and I attempted Day 1 of Week 1 of C25K.  My dog and I ran/walked around our neighbourhood.  My dog is just as much as a couch potato as I am; she hates walks.  She spends the first half of any walk stopping and trying to drag me backwards towards the house.  The second half, when she realizes we are heading home, she drags me back to the house.  She seemed to like the running parts, probably because she thought it would be over sooner, hahaha.  The running just about killed me.  I do not run.  I sweated crazy more then in a Jillian DVD.  I got back to the house huffing and puffing even more then any hockey game.  My plan for April was to do 30 Jillian workouts.  I missed April 1^st, but I did two workouts Wednesday last week to make up for it.  So far, I have done a serious workout everyday.  I may not makeup this missed Jillian, I don’t know yet, as the C25K was a big workout for me.  Still debating this….  When we got home, my husband and I watched Girls for the first time.  I am HOOKED; we watched four episodes in a row.  I wasn’t great with my calories, but I came in under my “maintain” calories of 2100.  And I ran, so I feel that is alright.

Today I am back on track.  I am looking forward/dreading the Potluck this Friday that I am attending.  I love Potluck, and while I may try to make healthy choices, I am not depriving myself of yummy foods.  Fatty Jes will inevitably raise her ugly head, but I will most likely let her.  And then you will all read me bitch and complain the following week, hahaha.

Fat to Fit Friday

 I am doing a link up with Jenna, Lori and Marcy.  FAT TO FIT FRIDAY!!!  (I tried to paste in the button but it didn’t work for me!  So click on their names yo!  They are inspiring!!!)

I find I get angry at myself.  I get these bursts of motivation.  Then the motivation wears off.  It can take me days, weeks, even months before I find motivation again.  The motivation comes in any form, and from anywhere.  I don’t pick it, it just happens and the switch flips itself on.  I think I have maintained, for the most part, what I have lost because I have become addicted to working out.  My days do not feel right if I skip a workout.  Food is most definitely my biggest problem.  If I allow myself a treat, a treat becomes a meal, a meal becomes a whole cheat day.  The next day I wake up and say today will be different, and sometimes it is, sometimes I can shake it off.  Sometimes I can’t and I find myself spiraling out of control for days or weeks at a time.   It’s been a year and a half long journey for me and I am still struggling with moderation and portion control.  I can say I am infinitely times better then I was last year, but I still struggle.

It’s taken me a while to learn how much food I need to stay full.  I started aiming for 1200 calories, with a workout; it was NOT NEARLY enough food for me.  I was ravenous.  Ravenous Jes allows room for error.  I would consume 1200 calories for the day and then eat about 2000 calories for an after dinner snack.  I now aim for a NET of 1300 calories.  Planning in advance my meals and keeping track off all the items I put into my mouth.  Some days I am better then others.   

This week I have been motivated.  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I have been bang on calorie wise and workout wise.  My motivation, this week (I had mentioned it on Tuesday, when I finally got off my lazy arse and did the Fat to Fit Friday Link up) was looking at a photo of a woman, a total stranger, who had lost 145 pounds.  I was at the point this week (hormones and donuts infused to create psychoness) that I thought about forgetting about my last twenty pounds.  To stay at 175ish pounds.  I was like what the hell is wrong with me?!!  I have only lost a total of 30 pounds.  This woman was capable of losing 145 pounds.  She put in the hard work, the time and effort.  I clearly have been slacking.  I workout, but I can’t seem to get my eating back under control.  I get frustrated with bloating that I didn’t have while on the Birth Control Pill (BCP).  It’s frustrating to see a three pound gain over night.  (There is the reverse of that: it’s nice when the bloat finally decides to leave my body, two pounds gone between yesterday and this morning.  Where the hell does it go?!!?  I wanna know.  I didn’t pee anymore then usual yesterday.  TWO pounds of water weight, gone.  And my pants are back to fitting as they were.  I digress….)

I weighed in this morning at 174.5 pounds.  (Yesterday I was up to 176.5)  Wednesday, I was feeling rather full of myself and declared I was going to lose 20 pounds before Canada Day, July 1^st.  I WILL do this.  Breaking this 20-pound goal into mini goals is my game plan.

I will be excited for the next few mini goals:

170 pounds – 35 pounds lost – 4.5 more pounds

169 pounds – 36 pounds lost (NO LONGER OBESE!!! THIS EXCITES ME GREATLY) – 5.5 more pounds

168 pounds – 37 pounds lost, but I remember weighing this weight in Grade 6.  When I was 13 years old. – 6.5 more pounds  (This mini goal is both sad and exciting for me.  Sad that I was this weight at 13, I am 5’3” but excited to say I weigh what I did when I was 13.)

165 pounds – 40 pounds lost – 9.5 more pounds

155 pounds – 50 pounds lost (This will be my most important milestone, however I have always debated aiming for 145.) – 19.5 more pounds

If these mini goals aren’t motivation I don’t know what is.  I am annoyed with myself, that I was this close to hit these milestones and I was debating packing it in earlier this week.  Even to hit the 165 pound mark, 9.5 pounds, I will hit four major milestones. 

When I break my goal of twenty more pounds down in this mini goal fashion, it doesn’t seem so daunting.  I like working in mini goals, I will succeed.