Weigh In Wednesday

Following the blog link up from Erin and Alex!

Last Weigh In: April 10, 2013 – 178 pounds.

Today’s Weight:178.  Fuck off and stay fucked off.

Starting Weight: September 19th, 2011 - 205 pounds. Down overall 27 pounds.


Lowest weight to date: March 2013 173.5 - was down 31.5 pounds

Operation Baby Making Status (OBM): Not preggers yet.  Took a test, it was negative.

I declared Canada Day Countdown two weeks ago.  I was going to lose 20 pounds by July 1^st.  In two weeks, I have gained 2 pounds.  Fucking awesome!  (I say sarcastically.)  I am back to pooping, so I can’t blame the IBS.  It has been 3 months and 11 days since I stopped the Birth Control Pill (BCP).  Anything I read states it can take up to 6 months or longer for your body to regulate and go back to normal after stopping the BCP.  The bloating has been the hardest thing for me to deal with as my pants are super tight one day, and then normal the next.  I actually convinced myself that I was pregnant at one point as my bloated belly looked like a pregnant belly, or so I thought (or wishful thinking).  I even wasted money on a pregnancy test, which was negative.

I am negative Nancy today:

I am sick and tired of counting calories.

I am sick and tired of coming in perfect with my calories for up to and including my dinner calories, then turning into a ravenous animal AFTER dinner and eating everything in sight.

I am sick and tired of making plans to work out twice in one day and barely making the first workout.

I am sick and tired of waking up early to get in my first workout; my body says it wants sleep.

I am sick and tired of trying to “plan” a workout schedule of two workouts a day, everyday, for a whole month with no rest days; and then when I break down and take a rest day, I take three. 

I am sick and tired of being tired all of the time.

I am sick and tired of this “Weight loss journey” a year and a half later and I hit the 30 pounds lost, and bounce around it. 

I am sick and tired of worrying about what I put in my mouth.  (That’s what she said)

I am sick and tired of feeling guilty for not making the healthiest of choices.

I am sick and tired of wondering, “Why can’t I be skinny?” when I know it’s me and my bad choices.

I am sick and tired of thinking about Ruffles Sour Cream and Onion Chips all of the time.

I am sick and tired of myself and my lack of will power.

I am sick and tired of myself and my “Oh, I am going to have a cheat meal” and it becomes a cheat WEEK or MONTH.

I am sick and tired of hearing people say “it’s a lifestyle change”, because at a year and half later, while I have made some improvements, I feel I still struggle daily.  I was hoping it would get easier as I went along and I feel like it’s harder now. 

I am sick and tired of my bitching and complaining.

I am sick and tired of getting down on myself.

I am sick and tired of my fucked up scale that adds 2.5 pounds compared to the scale at the gym, and then me wondering if it’s adding more now.

I am sick and tired of buying new scales as one adds ten pounds, one shorts it by two pounds and one jumps up an extra fifteen if you don’t step gently enough, and now my current scale may add 2.5 pounds.

I am sick and tired of being bloated.

I am sick and tired of stepping on the scale, convinced it’s going to be less and it being more.

I am sick and tired of the anger I have at myself for leaving trying to get pregnant at age 31; when every study shows how much harder it is to get pregnant in your thirties.

I am sick and tired of the fear that when I get pregnant I will gain 70 pounds and have to do this journey ALL OVER AGAIN.  (I want a baby more then this fear though, obviously.)  It’s just the thought of doing this again makes me want to go hide under my bed.

Now that venting is out.  I feel a bit better.  I woke up this morning feeling really down.  I was just having a bad day is all.  It was nice to vent that all out, it was very cathartic.

Now I have to remember some good things:

I am excited that I have gone form a size 18 pant to a size 12 sometimes a 10.

I am excited that I have gone from a XL or a XXL top to a medium and sometimes a small.

I am excited when I look at a picture and think, wow, I don’t look so bad.  (I just wish I could see that when I look in a mirror, the mirror still shows me the 205 pound girl, not the 175ish pound girl)

I am excited when I receive a compliment, or someone asks me how much I lost.

I am excited that this year I bought my first pair of regular sizes dressy knee high boots that fitted my calves.  I always had to buy plus sized boots to fit my calves. 

That’s all I got…. Bah. 

Back on the horse yet again!....

Here's two pics of some healthy turkey burgers and low cal jello.  Trying to keep my meals interesting.